LHC scientists conned by bogus workmen

Scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN were left counting the cost today after conmen posing as building contractors took them for a large sum of money in return for shoddy and unnecessary repairs. The fraudsters, dressed in workmen’s clothes and orange jackets, turned up at around 4pm while the unsuspecting scientists were watching Countdown and enjoying a cup of tea. They rang the doorbell and when one of the scientists got up to answer it, they told him they were from the ‘Black Hole Board’ and they were there to check if any super-conducting magnets needed repair.

‘They made it sound so serious and said that if something wasn’t done about them right away then we might loose the whole LHC’ explained one professor, who preferred to remain anonymous. ‘They even suggested that Switzerland could be sucked into a black hole if we didn’t fix it and that we would be liable for the damages.’

The bogus workmen then entered the building and began pulling at bits of equipment, poking holes in the liquid helium cooling system while making tutting noises, and asking ‘What clown put this thing together then?’ As the scientists grew increasingly alarmed, one conman took them into the kitchen to discuss ‘urgent’ repairs while the others rifled through the building, stealing several laptops and the coffee fund. The ringleader then demanded £14million to begin work and took the scientists to a cash point to withdraw the money.

An engineer who later examined the LHC was shocked to find the super-conducting magnets replaced with bits from a Renault Clio starter motor, and the liquid helium cooling system held together with lengths of hosepipe and duct tape. ‘I’m afraid this sort of thing is all too common’ said a spokesman for the National Audit Office. ‘Contractors often target large projects, which are seen as an easy touch for cost overruns and shakedowns. Earlier this week Wall Street was left $50billion short after investors were tricked out of their cash by an impostor calling himself Mr Madoff.’