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‘Santa Claus is my mother’ claims seven year old boy

A young Hampshire boy claims that he has uncovered the secret identity of Father Christmas, and that the world’s most famous gift-giver is actually his very own mother. Seven year old Jamie Brown, from Portsmouth, called a number of national newspapers this morning to reveal the shock news that Santa Claus does not in fact live at the North Pole, but at number 7 Willow Gardens, Portsmouth. ‘And he’s not a man, he’s a lady’ he told shocked reporters.

Confronting his parents in front of his twin five-year-old sisters with camera-phone proof that no one had come to the house to bring presents, Jamie’s mother Linda had to concede that Santa being her secret identity was ‘the only logical explanation’ for being caught distributing Scalextric and Elmo dolls to the Brown children. It appears that Mrs Brown must have been living some kind of double life, during which she convinced friends and family she was a learning support assistant at the local school, when in fact she was commuting to the North Pole to make toys with elves.

Neighbours were reported to be shocked to have had the real Father Christmas living in their midst, describing Mrs Brown as ‘a quiet type, who kept herself to herself’. Police said there were looking into the possibility of a criminal prosecution, since the business of distributing toys to all the children in the whole wide world must have meant leaving Jamie and his sisters ‘home alone’ for most of the night.

Women’s groups have welcomed the news that ‘Father’ Christmas was actually a woman; Germaine Greer said it was typical of our phallocentric society to have presumed that this generous spirit was a man, while for the government Lord Mandelson said it was a source of great pride for Britain that Santa Claus was a UK citizen ‘doing so much for exports at this difficult time’.

Despite all the attention Mrs Brown was keeping a low profile this morning, but as well as the police enquiries has a number of impending interviews later in the week with H.M Customs and Excise, Health and Safety Officials and the RSPCA.

25th December 2008

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Posted: Dec 25th, 2008 by nealdoran

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