Toxic waste to be dumped in Allison Pearson’s Daily Mail column

The government has announced a new location in which toxic waste can be safely placed without affecting the surroundings or increasing the risk to British public. Henceforth all poisonous substances and hazardous material will be dumped on the page of Daily Mail columnist Allison Pearson.

Inspectors found the weekly rant in of the famously-opinionated writer had a massive capacity for poison and toxic fuming, pointing to her attacks on the eldest daughter of Sarah Ferguson for allegedly being over-weight, ‘pear-shaped’ and ‘a little Miss Piggy’.

‘We are satisfied that the addition of radio-active waste to this column would make a negligible difference to the safety of the nation,’ said a government spokesman, ‘if the public can tolerate the current levels of poison, the damage from a few isotopes isn’t likely to make a big difference to their mental state either way.’

Allison Pearson’s weekly column in the Daily Mail was established some years ago, before the effects of exposing unsuspecting readers to high levels of poison were properly understood. However, some critics say that, given the improved levels of awareness, nobody should be exposed to an Alison Pearson column these days.

Scientists expressed concern that these small leaks of toxic material could be the forerunner to something more cataclysmic. ‘She was supposed to deliver her second novel back in 2005, we are just all praying that it never happens.’

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