Business Secretary Lord Mandelson refused to be drawn on reports that he plans human sacrifices as part of the government’s latest attempts to stem the economic downturn.
‘The gods are angry’ Lord Mandelson explained, ‘but the government has always maintained that blood sacrifices are a last resort. However, as we don’t seem to be getting anywhere with the goat or chicken entrails, more drastic steps may have to be taken.’
It is believed that immediately after the holiday period the governors of the Bank of England dressed in hooded robes were summoned to a pentangle deep in the bank’s vaults. Lord Mandelson wearing a deaths-head mask and carrying a curved blade is then said to have killed various livestock on a stone altar in what the opposition have described as ‘a last ditch attempt by the government to find a way out of the credit crunch.’
Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve criticised Lord Mandelson for ‘dangerously glamorising knife crime’, and expressed concern that the idea of ‘appeasing the gods’ showed little understanding of the complex economic forces at work in the run up to the current financial crisis.
The government is expected to make a decision by twilight on Wednesday as to whether religious murder is the ‘magic bullet’ required to reverse the plummeting value of sterling and ensure UK Public Sector Borrowing Requirement comes down next year.
Meanwhile, Downing Street has denied rumours that Robert Peston and Frank Field were the front-runners for potential human sacrificee. A spokesperson said that Peter Mandelson has yet to make his choice explaining that only the minister has ‘the experience, the contacts and let’s face it the look to pull off such a task.’
30 December 2008