The Queen has this year chosen not to recognise those who have made the greatest contribution to Britain in her annual New Year Honours List, and has instead published a document naming those relatives who have brought the greatest shame upon her family. Those named in the New Year ‘Honour Killing’ List will be summoned to Buckingham Palace for an audience with the Queen in which she will tap them lightly on each shoulder with a ceremonial sword before plunging it deep into their midriff.
‘If one’s honest, one tires of pronouncing the same old platitudes to do-gooding nobodies and halfwit entertainers,’ said Her Majesty. ‘One fancied doing something different this year, and regrettably some have sullied the good name of this family more than one is able to overlook. Besides, there’s little point in the Royal Prerogative if one’s not going to use it, and as an 82-year-old woman it won’t be too many more years before disembowelling an annoying relative is beyond one.’
Those named in the New Year Honour Killing List include grandson Prince Harry for his ‘uncertain lineage and drunken behaviour’, husband Prince Philip for his ‘lifelong commitment to gaffing’, and heir to the throne Prince Charles. ‘One wishes Charles would find something to do with his life,’ said the Queen. ‘Instead of just loitering about the place asking ‘Can I have a go yet?’ and singing ‘Why are we waiting?’ It really tries one’s patience, so one feels one’s left with no choice but to see him off.’
The move is part of the Royal Family’s ongoing efforts to modernise and reflect current social and multi-cultural trends. ‘There are those who might suggest that it is barbaric to kill a member of one’s family, such as say, a daughter-in-law for bringing the shame of divorce into the family, or cavorting with a man from another religion,’ said the Queen. ‘But that wasn’t us, honest. We’ve never even been to Paris.’
Genghis Cohen (with thanks to Quaz)