Fans of Winnie the Pooh are said to be appalled that the return of Winnie the Pooh to the Hundred Acre Wood will include psychological analysis for the bear’s ‘chronic binge eating’. Other changes will see Eeyore diagnosed with depression and prescribed ‘Prozac’ before being rehoused in a council donkey sanctuary.
The updated Winnie the Pooh had not been expected to incorporate quite so many negative aspects of modern life, but the publishers said that contemporary readers would expect some sort of analysis and explanation for the disfunctional behaviour of so many of the famous characters.
‘Pooh is undergoing treatment for an eating disorder related to feelings of low self esteem’ explained cognitive therapist Jim Rouse, ‘He feels that he is a bear of little brain so he compensates for his feelings of low self worth by binging on honey and condensed milk’.
Tigger has been prescribed Ritalin for his behavioral problems, which are believed to be ADHD related, and this has calmed down his ‘bouncing’ behavior. Beetle was destroyed by a council infestation officer who visited the wood to condemn Eeyore’s house as uninhabitable while Kanga has been forced into work by the government’s policy of getting single mums into the job market. Having completed a course in childcare, she now struggles to make ends meet in a low paid children’s nursery job while Roo spends most of the day in childcare, which eats up most of her earnings. Social workers are concerned that Roo is now becoming an overweight child because he doesn’t get to play outside as much as he did. DEFRA have a number of questions pending about pig welfare issues and the introduction of non indigenous Kangaroos into the 40.4685642 hectares woods.
Christopher Robin is currently in care due to his negligent parents allowing him to roam on his own in the woods. He had already been served with an ASBO for repeatedly polluting a local river with sticks, while Ofsted are said to be concerned at local education standards which has left most of the inhabitants of the area unable to spell words such as ‘Owl’.
The new book will follow Christopher’s attempts to escape from his social worker and return with his animal friends to the woods, which he sadly finds have been bought by developers, chopped down and turned into executive apartments.
Quaz with contributions from Writerken, Ramblesid, JeniB & Sauce
13 January 2009
Re-posted in memory of Quaz, a long-time and much-loved contributor to this site, who has tragically died, aged 43. He will be sadly missed.
See also: Quaz