The government has announced an extensive package of measures to help Mr Bob Warner of Shrewsbury after he admitted losing £300 in an online poker game this weekend. Alistair Darling said that the measures were in place to restore confidence in the local black economy. With a £10 scratchcard win on Monday morning there is already talk of ‘green shoots of recovery.’
In a press conference today the Chancellor insisted that the bail out would be accompanied by tough conditions. In accepting the £300 finance package, Mr Warner has agreed to lend £50 to Jim the plumber to invest in the Queen Mother Gold Cup at Aintree. The winnings are then expected to be reinvested in the fruit machine at the Black Lion quiz night on Sunday night, further boosting Shropshire businesses. The government has also taken a 50% share in Mr Warner’s usual barstool in the snug of the King’s Head. ‘He did offer a double or quits bet on the FTSE rising or falling this week, but we politely declined’.
Gordon Brown defended the move which follows hard on the heels of a previous injection of £500 to Mr Warner’s bank account before Christmas. ‘This swift and decisive action has halted a potential collapse in the fortunes of numerous pubs, newsagents and a bootleg DVD market stall’ claimed the Prime Minister. ‘We have also averted a major crisis in the on-line gambling sector, with the saving of many tens of jobs.’ However, the Prime Minister stopped short of taking responsibility for the significant losses in Mr Warner’s spread betting investments, following ‘unprecedented volatility’ in the performance of Tottenham Hotspur.
New shadow business secretary, Ken Clarke, responded to the bail-out in characteristically robust fashion. ‘Without sufficient controls in place how do we know that Mr Warner won’t just lose all the money by blowing it on banking shares?’
The Hit Squad