Alistair Darling announced plans today to kick start the economy by providing small to medium sized businesses with money plants. Darling claims that the plants will provide an injection of £50 and £20 notes into the economy which will boost spending an increase consumer confidence.
However the plan has been heavily criticised by the opposition and business experts who say that there is no such thing as ‘a money plant’ and that the Chancellor is clearly suffering some sort of severe mental breakdown. ‘He is off his nut’ said Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, ‘he keeps going on about everybody being able to pick lots and lots of bank notes off their money plants – it’s like he’s been doing magic mushrooms or something.’
‘This is typical of the negative, ‘can’t do’ attitude of those whose are talking down Britain’s ability to pull itself out of recession’ said Alistair Darling. ‘With care and attention even the smallest money plant can grow in to a strong and formidable tree’ said the minister. ‘We will be advising business on pruning and watering techniques to ensure the best possible growth of the next financial year.’
It is feared that with no more money left to hand out to failing banks and businesses, the ‘money plant’ initiative is a desperate last throw by the struggling Treasury. 11 Downing Street has announced that the money plants will be distributed as small saplings in a roll out programme that begins next week. Eligible businesses can register on the government’s website, but there is a limited supply so prospective investors need to be quick.
The Chancellor denied that he was feeling the strain of the economic crisis and spoke confidently of the strength of Britain’s financial reserves, which are currently being held ‘at the end of the rainbow’.