Gordon Brown has announced that government measures taken during the current economic gloom has led to an increase in the length of the day.
Many commentators and members of the public have recently been remarking on the unexpected increase in daylight hours, which has resulted in some people not even having to switch the light on to get dressed. The change has been so noticeable that the government had to bring forward an announcement on the matter. In a press conference outside Number 10 this morning, the Prime Minister said the changes were a direct result of new government initiatives.
‘Measures I have put in place will secure a reduction in nocturnal darkness,’ said Mr Brown, ‘not only for this country but for the entire northern hemisphere, day by day, week on week, month on month for the foreseeable future. Thanks to our husbandry, daylight hours are expected to continue to increase at least until late June, and there is no reason why they should not then stay at those levels or even increase further.’
Mr Brown continued: ‘This will mean lower heating bills for hard working families and struggling pensioners, and less Seasonal Affective Disorder. People will get the long sunny days they deserve, and I am pleased to announce a new ice-cream allowance, details of which will be released later today. This is positive news of a brighter future. Under Labour there will be no more gloom and dusk.’
In response to a question about the effect on the southern hemisphere, the Prime Minister said that the consensus was that countries such as Australia and Brazil had been overheated for too long, and that a correction was well overdue. Furthermore, it would bring welcome relief to the penguins in Antarctica.
George Osborne warned that the measures had not been properly thought through and would scorch the green shoots of recovery and lead to people having more wrinkles around their eyes.