Children’s campaigners warn Kinder Surprise eggs ‘too surprising’

A leading children’s charity has issued a stern warning to parents regarding the dangers of Kinder Surprise eggs. A working party report from ‘ChildScare’ concluded that the eggs presented ‘unhealthy levels of suspense and a significant risk of crashing disappointment and emotional scarring.’ There are now calls for all Kinder Eggs to be removed from the shelves until the novelty confectionary has been made safe from the risk of anti-climax-related trauma.

‘Once the child has broken open the chocolate shell their expectations are bound to be high.’ remarked working party chairwoman Venetia Hawley. ‘However, for every child who is greeted with a Smurf or Chief Vitalstatistix, there are still far too many others who will unwrap a difficult-to-assemble tree-crab or Eskimo jigsaw with catastrophic consequences.’

ChildScare say they have contacted the makers of the Kinder Surprise egg, recommending that in future they place a large warning on the wrapper, clearly stating the contents of each individual egg, along with a difficulty rating for assembling it. As an interim measure they suggest that, instead, parents ‘place a small, well-loved toy or keepsake under a few squares of organic chocolate’ adding: ‘if possible, choose a brand of chocolate that the child is already familiar with, forewarning them as to which keepsake they are about to find.’

Childscare previously courted opprobrium when it advised parents to soak Rice Krispies overnight to avoid ‘unnecessary sonic perturbation’ on the part of the child. Now their new recommendations have drawn stern criticism from media commentators. Daily Mail columnist Victoria Klein said the charity was attempting to keep the nation’s children wrapped in cotton wool candy: ‘There is no point in shielding a child from the harsh realities of life: one moment you learn that your parents can’t afford that pony you were praying for, the next, your husband of twenty years is walking out on you, screaming ‘Bloody hell Victoria, I never knew I was marrying Oswald-bloody-Mosley.’ These are the everyday disappointments that life offers us, and children need to be prepared for them at as early an age as possible.’

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