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Human released into the wild

988-human-releasedSimon Wincroft, an office manager from Nuneaton, was today released into the wild following a moving and sombre farewell ceremony attended by a number of distinguished people and company representatives who had hitherto been fighting to keep him in captivity.

‘It finally dawned on us that try as we might to ease the plight of this poor office worker, the stress of being kept in the work environment day after day was simply getting too much for him,’ said company boss Nigel Prenderthorn. ‘It was becoming increasingly apparent that the little critter really wasn’t happy, and none of us here could sit back and watch that, so we decided it was time to set him free.’

After being transported from his Nuneaton base in the boot of an estate car with the dog guard up, Mr Wincroft was finally released at a secret location north of Uttoxeter where he will be able to roam around in over a thousand acres of mixed woodland and open countryside and will generally be free to make it up as he goes along without the oppressive restrictions of his former workplace.

The farewell ceremony was attended by the company accountants, the HR manager, and the chief executive who modestly played down suggestions that he might become something of a hero to the environmental movement. Senior politicians also attended the happy ceremony, accepting that some of their colleagues had probably added to the stress caused to Mr Wincroft, with inadequate, ill thought-out and corrupt policies at local and national level. ‘Think of all the bankers and call centres who had hounded him, all the salesman and insurance brokers trying to get money off him all the time. He won’t have to worry about that any more.’

In preparation for the big day his employers had carefully managed his behaviour, secretly encouraging him over a series of weeks to forage for nuts, berries, and Fry’s Turkish delight in the desks of the secretarial staff. Any doubts over him finding adequate shelter were dispelled when it was noted that he had spent most of the last eight weeks hiding behind piles of paper in the photocopy room and hadn’t been discovered once.

‘We hope it all goes well for him,’ said Nigel Prenderthorn, his former boss. ‘Although I worry about him, being out there all on his own without a mate. That girl Marjorie from accounts, the one who claimed I’d harassed her, she’s looked very anxious recently, worrying about her mortgage, her bills and all that. Perhaps it’s time we did the decent thing and set her free too…’

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2009 by red

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