A group of drinking friends were hailed as heroes this morning after providing solutions to all the world’s major problems during the course of a routine night out in Runcorn. The Nag’s Head regulars unwittingly formulated a manifesto for a vastly improved world in a 20-minute conversation between last orders and turning-out time, but didn’t discover the effect of their far-reaching solutions until the following morning.
‘To be honest, we’re as surprised as everyone else,’ confessed a modest Lee Turner today. ‘Things didn’t seem quite right when I woke without a headache, but when I turned on the TV and saw the Israelis and Palestinians holding hands on the streets of Jerusalem, I clocked that something was up.’ Pub regular Janet Goulding was equally bemused. ‘I’ve been woken early by the postman before,’ she said, ‘but never with a telegram from the UN saying ‘Thanks for sorting everything out’.’
In addition to solving the conflicts in the Middle East and much of Africa, the friends also identified major new sources of renewable energy, restored confidence in the global economy, introduced democracy to China, Zimbabwe and North Korea and worked out the best living conditions for polar bears since the end of the last glacial period. But the pub regulars were at a loss to explain exactly how they had righted the world’s wrongs. ‘I remember one of the lads saying ‘Yeah, definitely, that’s what they oughta do.’ said stalwart Jim Portman. ‘And everyone else saying, ‘Yeah but will they take any notice of us?’ But lo and behold; they did…’
‘One of the lads had some strong feelings ideas about corporate responsibility,’ recalled another of the drinkers, ‘and a couple of the girls thought everything would be better if people simply tried a bit harder to get along, but I’d never have guessed we’d hit the nail right on the head. I suppose the sixth pint probably had a key role to play in the formulation of complex resolutions to seemingly intractable problems.’ The friends said that they now wanted to be left to get on with their lives and were hopeful of some boom years ahead for the town’s manufacturing sector ‘and a strong challenge by Runcorn Linnets FC for next season’s premiership title’.