A comprehensive in Reading has today been ordered to admit a local demon possessed child even though the headmaster had complained they could not cater for the specific needs of satanic pupils or get the bed she was tied to through its doors.
Accused of discrimination, headteacher Roger Slater defended his decision. ‘We are a multi-ethnic school and cater for a variety of faiths and ethnic backgrounds. But we simply don’t have the budget to cater for the replacement of shattered glass, crockery and broken furniture that comes with trying to educate a demonic pupil in a modern comprehensive.’
But after her two year battle with the local education authority, the child’s Mother Chris MacKeith was unrepentant. ‘Mr Slater never liked Regan from the moment she spat green vomit in his eye during R.E. and then tried to scratch his face off. The man is prejudiced against satanic children.’
Although the school has been instructed to make adaptations to accommodate their new student, the local education authority are still considering whether levitation and the ability to turn her head three hundred and sixty degrees will offer her an advantage in exam conditions.
As for the other pupils Regan has been well accepted. ‘She’s okay!’ said year eleven classmate Mark Wright, ‘She screams at the teachers, swears a lot and is generally quite disgusting so she blends in with everyone else most of the time. With her pasty skin, blood-shot eyes, bleeding gums and revolting teeth most people make the mistake that she must be pushing some really good ‘stuff’ though.