Church tells impatient worshippers ‘Your prayer is important to us’
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, today announced the introduction of a new prayer-handling service which he called ‘the most significant overhaul of Christianity’s customer services during its 2000-year history‘. The move follows increased competition between spiritual providers, and industry insiders say the Church of England has been forced to modernise or risk losing praying customers to other religions who are now offering some lucrative posthumous deals to their most fanatical followers.
Posted: Feb 6th, 2009
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In a new plan to generate increased profits, the Royal Mail is to take a leaf out of the DVLA’s vanity licence plate business and enable the public to change ‘functional but drab’ post codes to ones that express their individuality and character through a personalised range. The new customised post code register is to include name-based entries such as J1M5 GAFF, ‘cheeky’ codes such as H0T L1PS or F15T M3, and a range of more discreet codes that pundits have said could be popular with parents keen to avoid difficult questions about how exactly their address falls into the most popular schools’ catchment areas. 
Gordon Brown has agreed emergency measures to save Britain’s snowmen, who it is feared are facing complete meltdown in the current climate. Having previously enjoyed a period of relative security throughout Monday and Tuesday, snowmen in the South-East in particular, are in danger of being reduced to just a rump ‘unless urgent measures are taken’. 
‘I tried singing, ‘I’ve been through the desert on a horse called Keith’ but I ran out of rhymes. 
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