A government commissioned report in to ‘the future provision of secondary education in the south west of England’, which was published today, has reached the startling conclusion that, ‘Jonesy is a big fat gayer’. The three-page analysis – conducted by the Cambridge Centre for Education Studies (CCES) and handwritten on a couple of scruffy scraps of A4 – marks the conclusion of a two-year inquiry into possible changes that could be made, to improve the quality of secondary education delivered to pupils in the South West, over the next ten years.
Author of the £5 million CCES report, Dr. Norman Jones, explained: ‘You know how it goes, you know that you’ve got absolutely ages and ages, so you just keep putting it off each day, promising yourself that you will actually make a start tomorrow. Then before you know it, it’s the night before you have to publish and you still haven’t done a bloody thing. Trouble is I didn’t leave myself time to proof read the report properly, so didn’t notice that a colleague had, shall we say, ‘doctored’ it somewhat.’
Dr. Jones went on to clarify that, although the published report does appear to suggest that he’s a ‘big fat gayer’, it was in fact not the intended conclusion of his two year study. Dr. Jones stated: ‘I would have thought that the crudely drawn penis would have been a clue, but the publishers were obviously just as observant as I was I guess. Let me just clarify that the report actually concludes that, we need to provide loads more education and much more better education.’ Dr. Jones concluded: ‘And just for the record, I’m not the big fat gayer – Smithy is – that is my CCES colleague, Dr. Vivian Smith.’