Alistair Darling has announced that the Government is to hand over management of the economy and day to day running of domestic affairs to the supermarket giant Tesco. The decision was revealed to MPs during the Chancellor’s Budget Speech which was the last to take place in the House of Commons before it is converted to a Tesco Metro.
As from next week, all MPs will be equipped with cheap but practical Tesco uniforms including name badges and non-cabinet members will be put on the minimum wage with the opportunity to increase their salary if they participate in management training schemes. Tesco branding will also be visible during Prime Minister’s questions and MPs will be encouraged to use the phrase ‘Every little helps’ whenever they propose a bill or suggest a solution during a debate.
The retail chain, which recently reported profits of over three billion pounds, has already announced radical cost-saving measures including replacing local councils with self services machines situated in town halls and libraries. Some critics have said that this will make members of the public unable to comment on local issues but Tesco have promised that the screens will come complete with a number of ‘Quick Gripe’ keys which will allow customers to register complaints about a number of common issues including bin collections, public transport and the pernicious spread of supermarkets.
The Chancellor was quick to deny that high street supermarkets would also be taking over British military responsibilities. ‘No, these will be outsourced to Tesco Direct’ he explained. British military personnel will be delivered to any location in the greater Iraqi or Afghan area within any requested one hour slot. ‘Although if we are unable to deliver the requested military objective we will replace them with their nearest equivalent.’