A motorist from Stoke Newington has admitted that his newly-acquired little runaround was actually purchased as compensation for his tremendously large penis. Generously-endowed John ‘Holmes’ Harrison initially told acquaintances that he bought his 2008 Ford Ka for its road-handling, unique design features and ability to park in tight spots, but friends quickly saw through the story. ‘John has always been insecure about his huge hampton,’ said his girlfriend, ‘and no amount of hyperbole about power-assisted steering could conceal his longcomings.’
Harrison’s admission has drawn criticism from TV personality Jeremy Clarkson. ‘This guy is a sad loser who needs to get a life and deal with his penis issues,’ spat the Top Gear frontman before roaring off in his whopping twin-turbocharged, 670 brake horsepower, 6.0 litre SL65 AMG Black Series Mercedes Benz.