A reflexologist from Glastonbury has fired her Red Indian spirit guide ‘Starhawk’ for being ‘a bit crap really’, after a 35 year working partnership. Ellie Farrell had first discovered the identity of her spirit guide at a new age fair in Weston-Super-Mare two years ago; ‘A psychic artist did a pastel drawing of him. Obviously, I was delighted to know I had a genuine Native American guiding my soul through this life, but to be honest, he did look a bit twee and kitsch, like that ‘crying Pierrot’ painting, but with a head dress and mauve aura.
Ellie’s misgivings grew when she started consulting Starhawk on day-to-day issues. ‘It was all just glib generalities really, you know about ‘truth being the final reality’ and ‘love can move mountains’ which I’m sure is just a Celine Dion song. None of it was much use when my partner Daniel has just owned up to ‘channelling’ that slapper from the organic bread shop.’
After an extensive etheric recruitment campaign, Ellie claims that she has found a suitable replacement guide. ‘Trevor is nothing like Skyhawk. In fact he was formerly an arc welder from Daventry. The first thing he told me was to serve Daniel a taste of his own medicine by giving my chiropractor a bloody good ‘Rolfing’.’ After this advice she says the two of them hit it off immediately. Skyhawk continued to chip in with bits of annoying hippie advice, and when I told my new spirit guide about this, Trevor went round and threatened to smash his face in unless he stopped the cosmic stalking. I’ve always been instinctively against violence, but Trevor said ‘Tonto’ had it coming, and it was sort of nice to have someone sort it all out.’
Ellie now runs an etheric recruitment agency, offering other new-agers the chance to fire and replace their spirit guides, without unnecessary karmic repercussions. She says that Starhawk is probably already dishing out bland platitudes to some other gullible sod. ‘He knows that he can just walk into another job because he’s a Red Indian. Nobody seems bothered whether these ascended soul-entities are any good at their job or not; it’s about time there was some serious regulation in the spirit realm.’