Music legend Madonna has turned her back on the controversial Kabbalah sect to embrace ‘the one true worldwide faith of Methodism’. The controversial singer explained the circumstances of her dramatic conversion at a hastily-convened press conference: ‘After the divorce and failed adoption bid I’d hit rock bottom. One night I found a copy of The Methodist Recorder in my hotel room, and I started reading it for solace. Halfway through the first story ‘Connexional working party report urges district chairs to convene ecumenical dialogue over fall in peripatetic lay preaching throughout the Methodist circuit’ I was in tears.’
She then accepted an invitation to a bring-and-share supper at the nearby church hall. ‘Those people had something special that I knew I didn’t have: a sort of gentle serenity, along with an absence of crazed hubris and stratospheric sense of entitlement. By the time we tucked into the lasagne, I knew I had found my spiritual home.’
Ms Ciccione (50) says she now forswears what she calls ‘exotic designer religions that nobody else can understand or afford': ‘That Kabbalah sect kept droning on about how life was one big mysterious journey into the unknowable. I’m a single mother of three; I haven’t got time for all that ‘unknowable’ shit. To be frank, I’ve had it up to here with those premium rate mystics; give me a decent Wesley hymn and a good solid working party report any day.’
The announcement has led to a mass defection of celebrities to so-called ‘non-elitist’ religions; Richard Gere has abandoned Tibetan Buddhism, and is considering a move to Britain to be closer to his ‘spiritual kin’ in the United Reformed Church, along with fellow converts Chris Martin and Gwynneth Paltrow.
Meanwhile former Scientologist Tom Cruise is taking a sabbatical from his acting career at a Salvation Army training college in Milwaukee. In a prepared statement, he has told fans he is ’embarking upon a guided but non pre-ordained discourse towards the ineffable Other we commonly refer to as God’ as well as learning the B-flat euphonium.