The Vatican is celebrating today after finally capturing Europe’s most notorious condom smuggler in a massive bust at Dublin airport. Francesc ‘Johnny’ Vallejos from Madrid is believed to have spent the past 15 years travelling between countries in Central America, Africa and Europe making thousands of Euros from their Catholic populations in the illegally protected sex trade. But today, with Vallejos behind bars, the Church has declared victory in its War on Prophylactics after an operation conducted with ‘surgical precision’ saw the world’s biggest pipeline for contraband contraceptives ‘snipped off at source’.
‘It’s a great day,‘ said Father Constantine of the Vatican’s Marital Advice Squad. ‘There were several times over the years when we thought we’d got our man, but each manoeuvre ended in anticlimax as undercover agents had to pull out at the last minute or risk blowing their cover. In the end timing was everything. We knew we didn’t have long – we could sense that – and although it was tempting just to dive straight in and get it over and done with, it was restraint that saw us through. But I tell you,’ he added reflectively, letting ash drop from a celebratory cigarette, ‘it’s great to finally get over the finish line.’
Vatican agents arrested Mr Vallejos at Dublin airport while he was on a stopover after returning from Columbia. Specially trained sniffer drugs checked his bags for traces of latex, and after a false alarm caused by a pair of marigolds and a gimp mask in his hand luggage, one dog alighted on a suitcase with an ‘I ♥ Nicaragua’ sticker on the side. ‘When we opened the case and found 50 kilos of cocaine, you can imagine our disappointment,’ said Father Constantine. ‘But after a little more fumbling under his clothes, we found what we were looking for: several small packets of three – a major haul with a street value of at least 75 euros, or around 200 million potential eternal souls.’
When arrested, Mr Vallejos denied all knowledge of the rubbery contraband, insisting that he was merely transporting the drugs for a friend and had no knowledge of the secret compartments containing the illicit prophylactics. But the Vatican is confident that this ‘purveyor of sin’ will be offered no protection by the law. And despite initial panic at the market in contraceptives suddenly drying up, 50kg of cocaine has helped the people of Dublin to a state of euphoria in which complete strangers are suddenly seeing the wisdom of Catholic teaching and repairing to shop doorways to practice natural family planning.