Global coffee chain Starbucks today unveiled its answer to the increasing pace of life by introducing ‘hands-free’ technology to the world of takeaway coffee. New designer headwear, based on the novelty hats which allow sports fans to drink beer without having to relinquish a grip on their crisps or TV remote control, will allow customers to get their essential caffeine shots while sending ‘value-adding’ emails from their Blackberry, closing win-win deals on their mobile or rushing to a critical meeting which started five minutes ago.
‘A takeaway coffee has long accessorised an image of extreme importance and business, emphasising that stopping for a drink just can‘t be squeezed into the modern executive’s diary,’ said marketing chief Giles Fosdyke. ‘But it’s become somewhat passé, and now our customers are asking for something that’ll set them apart from the crowd. We’re confident that this unique fusion of hat-mounted cup-holders and plastic drinking straws will make them the envy of colleagues and passers-by. Plus it’ll allow our customers easier access to their pockets to find the £8.50 they’ll need for a croissant.’
In addition to its new hands-free technology, Starbucks is taking a number of other measures to provide Britain’s workforce with the caffeine it needs to combat the economic slowdown. Learning from the London marathon, Starbucks’ store fronts will be turned into ‘coffee-stations’, with trestle tables stocked with ’ready to grab’ lattes and Americanos so customers can re-fuel without interrupting their progress to vital business lunches. And at the request of customers who found the caffeine in regular Tall, Grande and Venti sizes too paltry, new Immenso and Galactico size beverages will be available, the latter pumped into a designer ‘Starbucket’ to be strapped to the customer’s back and routed through their hands-free headset.
However, the start of this revolution in coffee drinking was marred by the news that after this morning’s launch, Starbuck’s managing director was tragically killed in a road accident after a defect in his hands-free coffee led him to be electrocuted by his hands-free phone as he attempted hands-free driving with his generously hands-on secretary.