The Home Office has revealed that the paramilitary wing of the Religious Society of Friends, or Quakers, has been active in Britain for decades, quietly refusing to cause any suffering or engage in serious terrorist activity.
‘Our latest intelligence reports suggest that a splinter faction of this peaceable, moderate organisation broke away in 1972,’ Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced at a press conference. ‘Fanatically committed to Quaker ideals of pacifism and silence, we believe that they have been orchestrating a campaign of nonviolence and contemplation which has only now come to light.’
Ms Smith denied that the apparent lack of weaponry, ideology or malicious intent was any reason to reach an accommodation with radical Quakers. ‘We will not be blackmailed in this way’ said the Home Secretary. ‘There can be no let up in the War on Non-Terror.’