NewsBiscuit

The news before it happens…

Archive for May, 2009

14 year old boy ‘just fine to stay in the pool for now thanks’

Schoolboy Gary Bough declined to leave King Edward’s pool following his swimming class on Friday, insisting he ‘might just hang around for a minute or so’. The incident followed a brief speech to the class by 19-year-old lifeguard Katie Williams on safety in the pool which concluded with a warning, ‘you don’t want me having to straddle your chest and pump out your lungs!’.

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Posted: May 22nd, 2009
More from News In Brief



Catholic customs catch man smuggling condoms inside massive consignment of drugs

Investigation finally reached a climax‘This is a major victory in our War on Prophylactics.’

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Posted: May 22nd, 2009
More from Faith, World News



Stopping at traffic lights to become optional

The Highways Agency announced proposals to make stopping at red traffic lights optional rather than mandatory, following publication of research showing that most motorists consider the ‘endless’ 50-second wait for lights to change to green a bigger inconvenience than the possibility of permanent injury or death.

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Posted: May 21st, 2009
More from News In Brief



Man ‘thrilled’ to be spotted by his ex in laundrette on Wednesday afternoon

Phil Marsden of North London insisted he was delighted to have seen his ex-girlfriend Hannah while he was in the laundrette reading an old copy of the Daily Star at 3pm on a Wednesday. ‘It was great to tell her how now I’ve ‘escaped the rat race’ I’m getting around to all those projects I’d planned — and that using the Suds-o-Mart actually has many environmental benefits’, he said.

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Posted: May 21st, 2009
More from News In Brief



Canary claims warnings of imminent ‘puddy-tat’ attacks were ignored

I did, I did.‘After further questioning, that just said he had, he had; a claim that he then set to music. Frankly it gave us very little to go on.’

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Posted: May 21st, 2009
More from Arts/Entertainment