Colleagues of the woman in the office who prides herself on ‘speaking as she finds’ and ‘not getting caught up in touchy-feely bullshitting’ agreed yesterday that she is actually mainly just obnoxious.
Posted: May 19th, 2009
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Notorious Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has announced that he is to return the proceeds gained from the 1963 multi-million pound train heist in an attempt to restore public confidence in the once honourable criminal classes. Biggs, currently serving a sentence in Norwich prison after returning to the UK in 2001, has described the manner by which he came into the money as ‘an honest mistake’, and has called for a change in the rules which are making morally-upright criminals look like money-grabbing cheats.
European Union Spokesman Gerd Muller clarified the wording of a directive that had seen wine bars and coffee shops in the UK legally required to play CDs by the Gipsy Kings, insisting the group’s flamenco-tinged cover versions were ‘highly recommended but not obligatory’.
Posted: May 18th, 2009
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37-year-old Scott Mackenzie said plans to move out of his parents’ home had been postponed again due to the ongoing financial crisis. ‘No time for taking risks,’ said the local council worker, who noted that a sacked colleague faced financial ruin because of ‘a relatively short-term’ custodial sentence, ‘any excuse for these ruthless management bastards’.
Posted: May 18th, 2009
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Charities have issued a stark warning to the Government that today’s children are feeling under increasing pressure to be fat owing to the steady diet of images they are force-fed by the media. ‘Children only need to open a magazine or switch on their television sets to be bombarded with so-called ‘positive’ images of chubby kids,’ said Victoria Reason of Save the Children. ‘The idea that obesity holds the key to commercial success, self-worth and popularity is being rammed down their throats everywhere they look. But one look at these images will tell you that they are pedalling an ideal most children can never hope to attain. Not on only three meals a day.’
Posted: May 18th, 2009
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