Researchers were left dejected today after trial results for a new wonder-drug, Atryptosol – billed as providing a cure for ‘all known ills’ – were described as ‘some of the most disappointing in recent medical history’. The trials at Salford General Hospital saw victims of gangland shootings divided into three groups: the first was given Atryptosol, the second a placebo, and the final group received no medical assistance whatsoever.
‘We had high hopes for this drug,’ said Dr Brian Thompson, ‘but we found that the survival rates for patients in the three groups were actually no different. They all died.’
Although some doctors have questioned the efficacy of treating gunshot wounds with pills, all have welcomed the confirmation that a superior treatment to leaving patients on trolleys in corridors ‘to get over it in their own time’ has yet to be found.