Gordon Brown has expressed a hope that there will be a terrorist atrocity somewhere on mainland Britain in the next 48 hours. ‘We’ve not had a good week, the Prime Minister admitted candidly. ‘I think people want to see me at my most authoritative and statesmanlike, and that’s only ever really happened when terrorists have been setting fire to our airports and blowing up our trains. That turned out to be much easier than this nonsense about governing Britain. So a couple of planes flying into Buckingham Palace and the Westfield Shopping Centre might be just the thing.’
Number 10 denied that they had been trying to get the media to focus on any stories other than his leadership, despite Government Press Releases with such headlines as ‘Jade Goody not dead; resurfaces as North Korean spy’ and ‘Madonna baby was Cameron lovechild – official’.
‘The Prime Minister is holding out for any sort of change in the national news,’ said one Downing Street aide. ‘This morning we had to stop him from ringing up Buckingham Palace and ordering Prince William to get Amy Winehouse pregnant.’
But ultimately the Prime Minister needs a major disaster to occur in the next couple of days. Security levels have been lowered at airports and in Westminster, with police and customs officers being encouraged to give Islamic Fundamentalist Suicide Bombers ‘the benefit of the doubt.’
Mr Brown said that any splinter groups or other fanatics would be encouraged to cause some ‘low-level mayhem and death’, providing him with an opportunity to show the leadership and authority which he last showed in 2007. ‘It would be in the interests of the British people for me to look good on television just now,’ Mr Brown said. ‘And if Hazel Blears was among the dead, I wouldn’t be complaining too loudly either,’ he added.