The World Health Organisation has confirmed that the current foolishness epidemic has been upgraded to a full-blown pandemic of stupidity following the outcome of the European Elections. UN officials had been monitoring events ever since the fatal outbreak of Jade Goody in the UK and were increasingly alarmed following a bout of Gordon Ramsay in Australia earlier this month, the test for pandemic status requiring outbreaks on more than one continent.
‘Up till now, the effects of the virus have been relatively mild in the form of sufferers pulling doors that say push, filling out the postcode in the wrong box and asking BBC website readers to email about why they don’t have the internet,’ said W.H.O. chief Margaret Chan. ‘But all the time we have been looking for signs of mutation and the European elections last Sunday provided us with all the evidence we needed. Widespread support for UKIP and the election of Nick Griffin and his associates across the continent sounded every alarm bell we have.’
The pronouncement marks the first stupidity pandemic since 1990 when John Major became Prime Minister, Home Alone was the biggest grossing film and Jimmy Savile was knighted.
Although there is no known cure for stupidity, W.H.O. have embarked on a strategic programme of placing pamphlets inside copies of Chat, OK! and Nuts and are recommending that people stay at home and do not watch Channel 4 or Granada Men and Motors. The stupidity pandemic is the latest in a series of health scares such as the ever-present swine flu. ‘We tried to tell people that swine flu hadn’t simply gone away because of MPs expenses, but they didn’t take any notice. They were too stupid.’