A retriever puppy from London has complained of being constantly greeted with adoring gasps and being told how sweet she is. ‘Tollie’, a Nova Scotia retriever living in Clapham claims the endless adoring expressions of ‘Aaaahhh!’ and ‘Sweet!’ are patronising, demeaning and amount to a form of discrimination against puppies.
‘Look tilting my head on one side is what I do,’ she explained. ‘It is in order to create differentiation in the sound waves to better locate their source. Stop saying how cute it is!’
The twelve week old dog yesterday made a formal complaint to the Equality Awareness and Discrimination Officer at Lambeth Council, who responded ‘Aaah, she is soooo cute? Aren’t you a little schweeetie-pie, yes you are, yes!’
A demand to see her supervisor was granted, but he gasped, took a picture of Tollie with his mobile phone to send to his children, before tickling her tummy for twenty minutes, adding ‘Who’s a little furball puppy-wuppy?’
Tollie is said to be determined to prove that there are many other sides to her personality, and this morning ventured into the garden to hunt down a small insect. However she appeared suprised when it buzzed and jumped away from her, causing her to run under the deckchair, lick her nose several times and then fall asleep. An attempt to bark agressively at a pizza leaflet deliverer also went badly wrong when the failure to make any noise caused her to fall backwards down the kitchen step. The subsequent destruction of the leaflet also failed to irritate or impress her family.
However, it was explained to Tollie that the cute puppy phase is a relatively short one and in six months time people will no longer respond to her by saying ‘Who’s a wittle schnuggle-bumpkins’. She will become noisy, destructive and unmanageable, and instead of being patronized by her owners will be shouted and sworn at, before she is finally dumped at the rescue centre.