Fearing that shadowy official sources would once again attempt to misdirect a gullible public on the true circumstances surrounding the ‘supposed’ death of a major international figure with the release of supposed ‘facts’ from emergency services calls and secret hospital autopsies, conspiracy theorists from around the world met to hammer out a Common Unified Conspiracy Theory over the death of Michael Jackson.
The meeting of the group, held in a secret location and featuring the eight leading figures believed to control the conspiracy world, attempted to agree on the most likely non-official interpretation of events to counter the version that a shady government/media/general public cabal with obvious ulterior motives, was expected to peddle. ‘We’re not going to be caught up on the hop like before with the moon landings, Kennedy and Princess Di,’ claimed an anonymous internet spokesman for the group, ‘that resulted in a wide range of outlandish theories being put out that made us look like a right bunch of loner paranoid cranks. What we need today is one big implausible but impossible to disprove theory upon which we can all agree.’
A range of theories – including an alien abduction that went horribly wrong, the revenge of an embittered Bubbles the chimp, or health problems in a middle-aged man undertaking unaccustomed strenuous phyical exercise exacerbated by a probable prescription drug addiction – were dismissed before a consensus was reached.The group determined that Jackson had not died in June 2009 at all, but had joined the merchant navy in 1997 after confidante Elizabeth Taylor ordered a hit on him following a falling out, and had been replaced in the role of global musical superstar by friend and former movie actor Macauley Culkin. The evidence supporting the claim included web-based research showing Jackson and Culkin hadn’t been seen in the same room together in the past 12 years – under the convenient excuse of a secret court order – and video highlighting the ‘fake Jackson’s’ increasingly pasty skin tones and lack of indications of a once considerable musical ability. The motives of Taylor were proved to be shady through documentation indicating that she was English.
Having agreed to spread the word of the truth in internet forums and late night public transport, the group then went on to finalise a pitch for a screenplay on Jackson’s life, in which Oliver Stone was said to have shown considerable interest.