Toddler son of loyalist paramilitary puts family DVD player ‘beyond use’

One of Ireland’s most feared paramilitaries was left stunned last night as a vomit incident from his two-year-old son left his DVD player ‘beyond use’. ‘I can say with no fear of contradiction that this piece of home entertainment equipment can no longer be used by my family for the purpose of watching ‘Finding Nemo’,’ said balaclava-clad ‘Kneecaps’ Milligan at a press conference yesterday.

The hardware’s destruction has yet to be independently verified by General John De Chastelain’s decommissioning body, but a loyalist spokesman was confident that this would be a formality. ‘I’ve seen it, and it’s full of puke,’ he insisted. ‘There’s nothing going to play on that – they’d be better off taking the plunge and getting a Blu-Ray thingy. Or why not go for some healthy outdoors fun and just buy the family a submachine gun?’

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