The government’s much criticised Home Information Packs, or HIPs, have come under renewed attack after it emerged that home owners are not obliged to divulge information regarding supernatural phenomena. A number of first time buyers have complained that they have purchased homes unaware of problems such as diabolic apparitions outside the upstairs window at midnight, the doors of kitchen cupboards flying open and closed to the sound of Karl Orff’s Carmina Burana and the rather poky and damp cellar being replaced by a flaming portal to the depths of hell. ‘I’m sure we would have remembered that if the estate agent had mentioned it’ said one distraught home-owner.
One couple who found out the hard way are Sally and David Henderson, who began witnessing strange events shortly after moving into their three-bed semi-detached house in Crawley, Sussex. ‘I’d walked into my daughter Louise’s bedroom to read her a bedtime story’ said Mr Henderson, ‘when she spat green vomit onto my face and rotated her head three hundred and sixty degrees. Now call me over-protective if you like, but that’s not normal’, he insisted.
The next day when his wife Sally went to ask her daughter whether she wanted a game of Connect 4, she discovered her masturbating with a crucifix and speaking some strange language which ‘sounded like Latin but , you know, like, backwards’.
The Home Information Pack didn’t warn us about any of this’ the couple complained. ‘Only that next door had planning permission for a conservatory, which I don’t think is really connected to our house being possessed by the Anti-Christ. We got the man from the council round to show him the problem’ continued Mr Henderson, ‘and my daughter informed him that his mother sucks cocks in hell. Apparently his mother is, in fact, alive and well and spends part of her retirement doing voluntary nursing work for the Macmillan cancer charity.’
Finally the couple called the estate agent to show him their Home Information Pack and how it compared with the reality of life in their new home. The couple reported that the forces of darkness lifted him off the ground, span him around, turning his eyes yellow, before he was impaled to the wall with a set of kitchen knives that flew across the room from the cutlery draw. Then the satanic screaming suddenly stopped and the estate agent just stayed up there bleeding a slow and painful death. ‘So it’s not all been bad’ said an upbeat Mr Henderson.