With strong support from the CBI, the OECD, IMF, World Bank and heads of the G20 nations, Mervyn King will shortly be appearing next to Gordon Brown everywhere he goes and pointing out on the spot when the Prime Minister says something that might be just ‘a teensy bit wrong’. Armed with his own assessments from the Bank of England and detailed analyses and forecasts from the other agencies, Mr King will be able to swiftly put the record straight when the PM says something daft like ‘we can just print all the money we want’.
‘It’s not good enough to have to wait a day or two for a response from a trusted and reliable source,’ said CBI Director General Richard Lambert, ‘but now Mr King’s put himself right there in the frame, things should go a lot more smoothly. When Gordon tells us we’re actually doing really well, Mervyn will be there with a bundle of notes from the OECD and IMF and will be able to confidently put his hand up to his mouth and cough the word ‘Bullshit’.’
‘Alistair Darling could also receive help from time to time as he’s struggling a bit, isn’t he,’ added Mr Lambert. ‘His growth forecasts seem a tiny bit out, and he’s having so much trouble adding up the numbers that the spending review won’t be finished until after the next election, poor thing. At least he can take some comfort that Gordon still thinks he’s the right man for the job,’ he said, at which point Mervyn King walked past in the background and shouted ‘Bollocks!’.
The scheme will soon be extended to other government departments, to ensure clearer communication and to avoid misleading the public. And for those with hearing disabilities, experts in social policy will also be expected to mime behind the relevant minister. In future when a member of the government says their policy is a success, we can expect to see an independent expert behind him, miming putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, pretending to slash his wrists or acting out putting a noose around his head as he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.