NewsBiscuit

With nearly half of marriages destined to end in divorce, the government has announced that from 1 September 2009, it will be a legal requirement for both parties to submit a Nuptial prior to their wedding.

The new ‘NIPs’ will compel engaged couples to share information that may affect their willingness to proceed with the marriage, including a full Emotional Baggage Survey and standard searches on Undeclared STD History, Mother-In-Law Suitability and The Previous Partners’ Explanations for the Relationship Ending. ‘You hear horror stories of people not realising what they’ve married into all the time,’ says Roger Purley from the DCFS. ‘Already we’ve prevented a young Cheshire man from repenting at leisure, when the Effort Prediction Assessment revealed that his bride-to-be had every intention of completely letting herself go once she’d got into her wedding dress. We’re providing a public service. And for only five hundred quid.’

But the new legislation has prompted a rush of impetuous marriages, with couples desperate to wed before the deadline forces them to divulge details that might make either party reconsider. ‘The Guilty Pleasures Questionnaire means I’ll have to show Sally the true extent of my porn stash,’ said Robert Wilton, who is hastily trying to relocate next summer’s planned country house wedding to the Guildford Nandos next Tuesday. ‘The Inconvenient Medical Truths check would have thrown up that I’m already pregnant,’ added Sally. ‘That would have been awkward. Especially as we’ve agreed to wait until our wedding night.’

Posted: Jul 16th, 2009 by Mary Evans