The Ministry of Defence faces an embarrassing recall of its newest land-attack missile cache after discovering that its state-of-the-art target-tracking system was mistakenly fitted with a marriage guidance programme. The problem came to light when the new precision-guided warheads failed to hit a Taliban stronghold in Musa Qala as planned, and instead got straight to the heart of the trust issues between Brenda and Colin Watkins before detonating in their three-bed semi in Crawley.
‘It’s true that these cutting-edge weapons were supposed to herald a triumphant new era in the war against terror,’ said an MoD spokesman today. ‘But on the plus side, they provide a judgement-free forum for dissatisfied couples to discuss their relationship problems. We just need to accept that and put it behind us if we’re to move on.’
So far a major offensive in the Helmand Province has targeted an emotionally distant newlywed, a cuckolded chartered surveyor and the Wilsons from Chertsey, who were trying to hold it together until the property market picked up. Those who have survived the explosions have consistently reported better communication and an improved ability to let the little things go.
‘We were a little surprised when a ballistic warhead landed in the middle of our cold marital bed,’ said Patricia Jones, who’s been dreading the sexual expectation associated with husband Brian’s imminent birthday. ‘But at least it made us realise that there were difficult truths we needed to confront. And it failed to go off, which is frankly the story of my life.’
The MoD insists that all the faulty missiles have now been destroyed in controlled explosions, with 93% of bomb disposal experts saying they felt better for the experience. However, it appeared last night that one may have slipped through the net after reports from No.10 that Sarah Brown finally agreed to let her husband gain some territory in the bedroom despite him coming to the battlefield horribly under-equipped.
20th July 2009