An angry mob leader has made a passionate case for giving a suspiciously reserved local ‘a hell of a kicking’ after fears emerged he may be a serial killer or worse.
‘Kevin Smiggins is shy and retiring. Aren’t they all,’ said head vigilante Mick Watson. ‘He’s very polite. So was Hannibal Lecter. And he keeps himself to himself. That’s exactly what people said about Harold Shipman.’
After warning of the futility of ‘crying to me when your daughters are being tortured by an axe-wielding maniac’, Watson cited Mr Smiggins’ gentle nature, immaculate reputation and charity work as further evidence of his guilt.
Satisfied they would be performing a public service, the crowd unanimously agreed upon a violent lynching. Unfortunately Mr Smiggins was unavailable for comment, or grievous bodily harm, leaving the baying mob no alternative but to burn down his house until a convenient pounding could be arranged.