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The news before it happens…

Archive for July, 2009

Leader of torch-bearing mob warns of threat posed by shy bloke who keeps himself to himself

An angry mob leader has made a passionate case for giving a suspiciously reserved local ‘a hell of a kicking’ after fears emerged he may be a serial killer or worse. ‘Kevin Smiggins is shy and retiring. Aren’t they all,’ said head vigilante Mick Watson.

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Posted: Jul 28th, 2009
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Home cinema reaches new levels of realism with revolutionary ‘obtrusive head’ technology

Expands in response to tuttingIn the latest move in the technology battle to bring the full cinematic experience to the comfort of consumers’ sofas, TV manufacturer Samsung has upped the ante by launching a home cinema system that comes complete with a large head that remains strategically positioned in the centre of the viewer’s eye-line throughout the viewing experience.

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Posted: Jul 28th, 2009
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Man on Midnight Train to Georgia denies that ‘LA proved too much for the man’

A former passenger on the 0.04am to Georgia has decided to set the record straight about his true reasons for leaving Los Angeles.

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2009
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Pensioner buys lottery tickets on weekday afternoon

‘My friends and I normally buy our tickets five minutes before the deadline on Saturday nights to chat to all those lovely people who’ve just nipped in for a bottle of wine and some fags,’ explained Margaret Harris, 72.

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2009
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Family says Newquay holiday arguments amongst best ever

iPod row 'spectacular'A family which has just returned from a caravan holiday in Newquay say it was the best holiday they’ve ever had, thanks to the family rows during their fortnight’s break.

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2009
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