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The news before it happens…

Archive for July, 2009

Beautiful, fun-loving daughter with her whole life ahead of her not killed in tragic circumstances

'Our little princess'Emma Lee, an 18-year-old woman described by her friends and family as ‘the life and soul of the party’ and ‘someone who has touched us all’, was today not cruelly snatched from her loved ones in a sudden horrific accident. A promising and talented student who was well liked by both classmates and staff at the college where she continues to study to be a lawyer, Emma was neither the victim of a crazed attack nor struck down by a hospital superbug after undergoing a routine operation. Today those closest to her confirmed in an emotional statement that she remains in robust good health.

‘She was my princess, and I’ll never forget her as long as I live,’ said her tearful mother, Joan. ‘I’m just glad she’s looking so well.’

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Posted: Jul 21st, 2009
More from Features



‘I’ve been living a lie,’ reveals Mr Happy

Happiest with the other Mr Men‘To be honest, I was always more gay than happy,’ admitted Mr Happy, ‘but oh no, that level of contentment just wasn’t enough for the publishers.’

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Posted: Jul 20th, 2009
More from News In Brief



Girl convicted of bitching with intent

Court heard that she was 'proper rude'A court on the 8.23am train found Natasha, a 17-year-old student, guilty of ‘being bitchy about Sunita’s new haircut’ and ‘failing to support Desrene over that incident with the fat man in the newsagents’.

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Posted: Jul 20th, 2009
More from News In Brief



Army’s new missiles erroneously fitted with Marriage Guidance Systems

launched from Helmand to wherever they're neededThe Ministry of Defence faces an embarrassing recall of its newest land-attack missile cache after discovering that its state-of-the-art target-tracking system was mistakenly fitted with a marriage guidance programme. The problem came to light when the new precision-guided warheads failed to hit a Taliban stronghold in Musa Qala as planned, and instead got straight to the heart of the trust issues between Brenda and Colin Watkins before detonating in their three-bed semi in Crawley.

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Posted: Jul 20th, 2009
More from UK News



Police launch inquiry after yet another World’s Oldest Man meets death

Following the death of The World’s Oldest Man, just weeks after the previous incumbent died in very similar circumstances, the police are finally going to act.
‘Something’s going on,” said chief inspector, Jack Regan, “Why do these very old men keep on dying?’

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Posted: Jul 19th, 2009
More from News In Brief