Thousands of angry consumers have descended on supermarkets across the country today, demanding their money back after having bought falsely advertised criminals. ‘It’s a disgrace,’ said Tiverton housewife Sheila Cosgrove, 34, ‘My husband and I had been saving up for ages for a high-quality David Niven-esque cat burglar to clean our house of valuable goods.’
‘Imagine our horror when we discovered that we’d in fact purchased some scruffy inner-city heroin addict. Rather than rifle carefully through my jewellery box, he’d simply ripped the plasma screen off the wall and smeared the lounge with excrement before buggering off – we’re distraught!’
The Crime Standards Authority has estimated that over 1,500 criminals have been wrongly branded, with suppliers sending out ‘greasy council estate single mum’ shoplifters, instead of the Lycra catsuit wearing master criminals ordered in anticipation of the summer holiday empty house season.