Amnesty calls for ‘fighting chance’ executions

straps are just about undoable

Human rights campaigner Amnesty International has stunned the international community by brokering a non-intervention treaty with nations that still enforce the death penalty, on the understanding that the condemned are to be given a fair chance of an elaborate escape. ‘We have agreed to lay off countries that insist on taking human life, often after grave miscarriages of justice, so long as they promise to use slower and less effective methods of execution in order to give prisoners at least one last chance of escape,’ said an Amnesty spokesperson. ‘Over the years we’ve tried to have the death penalty abolished, but we realise now that is never going to happen. And frankly, some of these bastards have it coming.’

A number of US states have already agreed to trial new methods of execution, with Texan serial rapist, Jonah Lee-Jones, recently becoming the first prisoner to eschew the conventional lethal injection for a James Bond-style execution. ‘Jones was tied-up with slightly-frayed rope in front of a saw mill blade that started when the sun shone through a magnifying glass, lit a candle that burned through a rope to release a ball and hit the start button,’ said one legal witness. ‘For a while it looked like he was going to get his hands free in the nick of time – or at least have some help from the two dubious homosexuals who were holding hands in the corner. Ultimately he was sawn in half from the nuts to the neck. But damn it was entertaining.’

Next week sees the trial move to Malaysia, where British backpacker William Hunt, who may or may not have smuggled three kilos of heroin into the country, will be sentenced to ‘The A-Team’. ‘Apparently I’m to be loosely tied to a chair in a disused warehouse as a lit fuse wends its impossibly slow way towards a huge pile of Semtex,’ explained the 19-year-old gap year student. ‘If I can loose my bonds in time, I will then have fortuitous access to all the tools, materials and unsupervised time I need to construct a makeshift armoured vehicle, in which I can make my escape with a band of morally-justified vigilantes. You really can’t say fairer than that.’

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Posted: Aug 17th, 2009 by

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