After months of exhaustive research into Britain’s National Health Service in the name of President Obama’s healthcare reforms, senior American officials have now refused to rule out an invasion of Britain to liberate the country from the sinister tyranny of the NHS, which has been exposed by new CIA intelligence gathered from BBC footage of a death-camp known only as ‘Holby City Hospital’.
‘We have reason to believe that the British people are groaning under the yoke of this so-called socialised healthcare system,’ said a State Department spokesman. ‘We are seriously considering the need for urgent military action. But not before next Tuesday, when we’ll discover if the predatory anaesthetist is indeed the father of the foxy theatre nurse’s baby.’
The new evidence, presented by the CIA in a 45-page dossier and DVD box set, is a startling expose of the horrors of life under the NHS. It cites instances of British people being forced to wait for the personal lives of doctors and nurses to unfold in a dramatic and often predictable fashion before treatment is received.
‘Our interception of UK media channels has given us a full picture of the suffering of vulnerable British citizens,’ the report says. ‘Examining hours of Holby City footage indicates that whilst patients may find a degree of resolution to their complex emotional issues, they are still far more likely to leave the hospital with a sexually-transmitted disease than their appendix removed. It’s true that some of the antics are dramatic and entertaining, but it is clear that the healthcare system in the United Kingdom is socialism at its very worst – shabby, dirty, inefficient, unfair, cruel, clinical, and often badly-scripted.’
As the Pentagon debates the best strategy for occupying GP surgeries around the country and beginning the hunt for Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, Obama is believed to have abandoned his plans to adopt the NHS model for American healthcare, even though he has privately commented that the bed-hopping antics of British medics ‘sure look like fun’.
But meanwhile the CIA is going back over decades of secret NHS surveillance to reveal the full horror of the British people’s suffering. ‘It’s time to take action and bring democracy to this poor, oppressed nation,’ said one traumatised operative. ‘I thought I’d seen everything, but we have further video evidence which shows that these alleged ‘hospitals’ are not only run by a terrifying network of nasal, mincing administrators and obese, tyrannous matrons, but many of them actively oversee the abuse of patients by sticking daffodils up their bottoms.’