New ‘Fairtrade’ drugs to offer junkies an ethical high

The highly competitive narcotics market has become the latest industry to succumb to the vogue for fairtrade products, as socially responsible dealers bow to consumer demand for an ethically-sourced addiction.

‘It just isn’t right that we’re swanning around in expensive cars draped with bling whilst Afghan poppy farmers struggle to feed the family goat,’ said ‘Big Daddy’ Johnson, a narcotics entrepreneur from Streatham. ‘Smack-heads on my patch can rest easy in the knowledge that at least 4% of their dole money will go directly to the farmer who lives under daily threat of violent reprisal from the local drug lord.’

The response on the street to the fairtrade, organic drugs, which promise no artificial additives, preservatives, rat poison, drain cleaner or dog-worming tablets, has generally been favourable, although some of the broader environmental policies associated with the narcotics have proven less popular.

‘The expansion of the hash range into fairtrade cookies and cakes has been particularly well-received,’ said a vice squad spokesman. ‘But there have been some complaints that if you are going to pay that little bit extra for a premium product, you shouldn’t have to re-use the same plastic bag in which you received your E tabs last time.’

Whilst the dealers accept they face an uphill battle to convince the average crack whore that she has a moral obligation to support the highest standards in drug manufacture, others have already jumped on the fairtrade bandwagon with gusto. ‘At the end of the day, it’s about giving something back,’ commented Mr D Trusk, formerly of Hampstead, but now residing beneath Victoria bridge. ‘Although may I just point out that doesn’t extend to the MacBook Air, four iPhones or Toyota Yaris I stole to fund my most recent purchase.’

Spread the word - share this story: