As Anglo-Australian conflict over the rightful homeland of the Ashes continues to escalate, the government has been forced to deny claims that it is allowing the Barmy Army to go into the hostilities without the crucial equipment needed to secure an English victory. ‘The Aussies are armed with the very latest trumpets and cutting-edge wigs,’ lamented a sporting warrior known to his comrades as ‘Hughsie’. ‘If we’re to stand any chance against them, the MoD has to address the fancy dress shortages. We’re asking these lads to spend five days at the front line. The least they can do is give our boys the best fighting chants.’
As charities rush to supply the heroes with witty banners and decent rhymes for ‘Ponting’, the grieving mother of a fallen Barmy Army soldier explained why she has campaigned tirelessly to ensure that no supporter will face the enemy without a cold tin in their hand. ‘When I saw the dodgy Star Wars costumes at the 4th test, it all came flooding back,’ sobbed Mrs A Shrimpton, whose son Fabian has never recovered from being laughed out of Edgbaston by the Aussies after fashioning a makeshift Chewbacca costume from a doormat and a monkey mask. ‘No mother should have to see her son like that. If we’d have known he was being sent into combat without the right kit, what parent wouldn’t have found a way to buy him a proper Darth Vader suit? And to think he still had his whole forties ahead of him…’
Despite the government claiming that it has poured more lager into the Barmy Army this year than ever before, a bitter stalemate has ensued and it has fallen into the unlikely austere hands of the MCC to arbitrate between the two sides. ‘Whether or not one agrees with the Barmy Army’s presence at The Ashes, the most important thing is that personal politics do not get in the way of the sound thrashing of the Aussies that we all want to see,’ said a spokesman for the club.
‘So we have agreed to underwrite the cost of funding all the vital flags, wigs and body paint that the Barmy Army is demanding to meet the enemy fully-equipped. And in return, the MoD has agreed to immediately deploy the entire battalion on a six-month tour of duty in the Helmand Province, where the pride of English cricket fans will face the Taliban with the best plastic trumpets money can buy.’