NewsBiscuit

Sources from within the American intelligence community have this morning confirmed that Scotland, reported missing by concerned relatives on Friday night, was arrested by the CIA for aiding and abetting terrorists and has been spirited away to a secret interrogation centre somewhere in Europe.

The country, which until this weekend occupied the northern third of the United Kingdom, was initially believed by police investigating its disappearance to have gone on a drinking binge and wandered off towards Scandinavia, despite protests from friends that this behaviour was nothing but a stereotype and in fact completely out of character.

Suspicions of American involvement were raised after the residents of Berwick-upon-Tweed reported seeing a number of men wearing black suits and sunglasses climbing into an unmarked van, which drove off in a northerly direction. ‘I thought it was a Blues Brothers tribute band going to a show in Dunbar,’ claimed one eyewitness, ‘that was until I heard that Scotland had suddenly gone missing and put two and two together.’

Alarm bells began to ring further south after The Proclaimers mysteriously failed to turn up at a gig at the HMV Apollo in Hammersmith. This caused the British government to strongly deny any complicity in Scotland’s incarceration, with Prime Minister Gordon Brown breaking his silence on the issue by telling reporters ‘It’s got nothing to do with me pal.’

In a carefully worded statement the US intelligence agency declared: ‘a country is currently being held in American custody and is assisting our investigation of the harboring and subsequent release of a known Libyan terrorist. Said country is being treated humanely and will be allowed to return home in due course.’

However many political commentators remain unconvinced, citing the CIA’s previous form, including the alleged rough treatment of certain Pakistani tribal states, the unexplained bruises on Iraq uncovered during a routine health check and the well-documented discovery of Panama floating face-down in the Caribbean in 1989. A former CIA agent further fuelled worries for Scotland’s safety after telling an undercover journalist ‘I’ll tell you one thing for certain; Scotland won’t be so bonny by the time they’ve finished with it.’

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Posted: Aug 25th, 2009 by jp1885