NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

‘Little Miss Muffet is a cheating crack whore’ claims spider

Muffet 'ponies-up for skunk'The spider involved in the Little Miss Muffet incident has spoken for the first time about what actually occurred between them. The nursery rhyme, which is well known around the world, apparently tells the story of an innocent girl who is frightened away by a spider. The reality is very different. ‘She is a lying cheating bitch,’ claims the spider, ‘she was one of my girls, if you know what I mean, and she owes me money. I was only trying to recover what I am owed, and to get back some of my drugs. She wasn’t even eating curds and whey, who would eat whey? It is a disgusting by-product of cheese manufacture. No, she was about to snort a massive line of coke and when I appeared she ran to avoid paying me. Last I heard she was turning tricks in Manchester, but I’ll find her.’

The spider’s claims will be a shock to millions of people around the world, who were under the impression that Muffet was the innocent party in all this,’ commented James Bristow, a lecturer in literature at Oxford University. “This new information appears somewhat to tarnish the image of Muffet and puts her in a very different light. We know she was sat on a tuffet, a type of stool, and we know she ran away but everything else has been blown out of the water.’

PR specialist Max Clifford, who is representing Muffet commented, ‘My client will not be making a personal statement to the press at this time, as she is deeply upset by the claims we have all heard. What I will say is that she has admitted that her past is less than perfect, but she had turned over a new leaf in recent times and was innocently eating curds and whey when her previous ‘boss’ turned up looking for a payout. I understand that it is he who has the drug habit and he was trying to get money to feed that habit. My client has had no dealings with this individual for many months.’

The case has been re-opened by the Metropolitan Police. A spokesman said, ‘New information has come to light about an incident in which a girl was frightened by a spider, whilst consuming dairy products. At this stage we do not know whether we are talking about the infamous incy-wincy spider who we believe may be hiding in the spout. All our efforts have been focussed on trying to think of a way trying to flush him out.’

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Aug 29th, 2009 by Jay Gee

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

Click for more stories about: Arts/Entertainment