Suicide bomber disappointed as martyrdom film goes straight to DVD

- 800 fondues of fury

An aspirant Islamic extremist was thought to have become increasingly disillusioned with his career prospects after he recently discovered that the message of suicidal martyrdom he had recorded to explain his planned terrorist atrocity has only been granted a limited DVD release.

‘It’s very upsetting when you’ve put your heart, soul and life expectancy into a project to discover that others don’t value your artistry as highly as you do,’ said Hussein al Tanwar, who was reacting against the Western oppression that denied him a place at RADA. ‘But I mustn’t be discouraged. I know am destined for 72 virgins in Jannah. Even if only 8 of them have seen my film.’

Although the work enjoyed early critical praise from Al Tanwar’s wife and mother, who insisted they enjoyed being coerced into a positive review and actually pitied exploited Western women their freedom of expression, the wannabe bomber feels that he didn’t receive the industry support that was so crucial to his film’s success. ‘I mean the marketing strategy was a shambles,’ complained Tanwar.

‘The standard form for these videos is to release them to mainstream media channels and trust they’ll be picked up by the news. But as far as I can tell, the only promotional copy was dubbed on You Tube with a Joe Pasquale voiceover before being sent to You’ve Been Framed.’

But sources within the splinter cell with whom Al Tanwar affiliated himself say that the quality of the production was never likely to attract a mainstream audience. ‘There’s a formula to successful martyrdom messages: menacing figure delivering an apocalyptic treatise in front of a black Islamic flag. Simple,’ said a source who will be careful not to get too close to the bomber.

‘But Tanwar’s script was a turkey for a start. The secret is in the metaphors – ‘Rivers of Blood’ or ‘Firestorms of Wrath’ will put the fear of Allah up your average infidel. But who’s going to worry about ‘Puddles of Malcontent’ or ‘Fondues of Fury’? And at the end of the day, he was only planning to blow up the Walthamstow Lidl. Honestly, who really gives a shiny jihadist shite?’

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Posted: Sep 13th, 2009 by

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