London Zoo faced with closure as all animals fail CRB checks

not endangered enough, under new guidelines

A top tourist attraction faced an uncertain future last night as it transpired that every single animal residing within the facility has an inappropriate past, rendering them ineligible to come into contact with the millions of children who visit the zoo every year. ‘We were horrified to find this exhalted children’s insitution awash with murderers, thieves and gross sexual offenders,’ said a representative of Westminster Council. ‘How on Earth can we possibly sanction the exposure of our children to a place where every single inhabitant boasts a public decency conviction for appearing naked in public? Except for Jim Lad the Parrot, of course, with whom the board was satisfied that the roller skates he dons for his twice-daily show constituted suitable attire.’

But the animals were quick to defend their dubious records, insisting that they should not be punished for the follies of their youths. ‘I was wild back then,’ said Simba the Lion, who was imprisoned in the facility after the serial murder of scores of wildebeest in the Serengeti. ‘I’m a reformed character now and quite indifferent to the herds of succulent human cubs who traipse past my enclosure daily. I’m telling you, it’s political correctness gone mad. Dobbin the Carthorse is a broken spirit since he was told he couldn’t give rides to the children anymore. And just because he takes the odd slash in public. He brought the house down every time – it’s a travesty.’

seduction didn't really come into it...Others were less contrite, however, with the council noting the complete inability of the chimpanzee enclosure to show any remorse for their continued transgressions. ‘Yeah, so we like to throw a bit of shit around, who doesn’t?’ said Cheeky, the group’s dominant male and undisputed tourist-soiling champion. ‘And as for that rape charge, it’s her word against mine. You ask anyone around here and they’ll tell you that tramp’s arse was bright red. The bitch was asking for it.’

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2009 by

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