At a meeting of the Formula One association the FIA earlier this month, Mean Machine Racing was banned for three years for persistent infringements of racing rules. It was alleged that over the course of the previous 17 races, he had, tied other contestants’ cars to lamp-posts by chains to gain an unfair advantage, kept a talking dog in his car, in clear contravention of racing rules, put bombs on the course to explode under other cars, though miraculously without causing serious injuries to the drivers and repeatedly tampered with road signs, causing other cars to drive straight over cliffs, hang in the air in an amusing fashion and crash to earth.
Dastardly, however, contends that the rules have been applied inconsistently and that other constructors have been at least as guilty as him of breaking them. ‘Even when I won a race, I was disqualified for extending the tip of my car,’ he complained. ‘That didn’t happen when Professor Pat Pending turned the Convert-a-Car into a bowling ball to win the Mish-Mash Missouri Dash Grand Prix, or when Red Max flew the Crimson Haybailer all the way over the rest of the field to take the Great Gold Rush Race Grand Prix.’
Added Dastardly: ‘What about Penelope Pitstop? She risked getting people killed by blowing face powder during the Idaho a Go Go Grand Prix. And how many murders have the Anthill Mob committed? It’s one law for camp villains with moustaches, another for the rest.’
Speaking for the racing authorities, FIA chairman Max Moseley said ‘We will always give appeals a fair hearing but Mr Dastardly was convicted on strong evidence. We won’t tolerate drivers giving this sport a bad name… all right stop laughing, I suppose you’re going to do a whole string of ‘spanking’ gags now, aren’t you?’
26 Sep 2009