West Midlands psychiatrist Dr James Murray is poised for the most challenging – and biggest – caseload in his career. For he has taken on as patients all 673 people who watched Worcester City’s FA Cup Second Qualifying Round match on Saturday againt Havant & Waterlooville.
‘It’s an unusually large group, for sure,’ Murray told reporters, ‘but group therapy appears to be appropriate because of the strikingly similar symptoms in each case.’ All of the patients vociferously declaimed during the game that they were on the march with Stevie’s army, that they were all going to Wembley and that they would really shake ‘them’ up when they win the FA Cup because Worcester are the greatest football team.
‘This is symptomatic of gross delusion,’ said Murray. ‘What they experienced was merely a creditable 2-1 win over a fellow Blue Square South team. A cursory look at recent trends shows that the chances of the team winning the FA Cup is virtually non-existent. And their inability to deduct from the team’s presence in the sixth tier of the English league pyramid might mitigate against it being the greatest football team is deeply worrying.’
Most of the group members are under the impression that they have fitter birds than Havant & Waterlooville. This view must, Murray says, be classified as extreme narcissm, given the small and unrepresentative sample of young women among the opposition supporters. Anger management classes might also be in order, according to Murray, given the group’s repeated insistence that the Havant & Waterlooville supporters were going home in ‘a fucking ambulance’. Fortunately it appears that all went home by public transport.
However, he believes that all of these conditions can be treated through a course of cognitive behavioural therapy. The real cause for concern is that the group appears to claim para-psychological insights into distant events, which is often a symptom of untreatable mental illness. ‘Most of these people live quite lives in a provincial town and have never moved in celebrity circles,’ said Murray. ‘So there is no possible way that they could know whether or not Posh Spice takes it up there.’