In a radical move to outwit the Tories, Alistair Darling has declared that Labour will not after all be considering any cuts in public expenditure. ‘Instead, I’m increasing expenditure by buying a bucket of sand to put my head in,’ he said in a pre-budget statement.
Darling met departmental ministers for crisis talks, when they all stretched and yawned until the coffee arrived and then chatted amongst themselves. ‘I did manage to catch a word with the tea-lady though,’ said Darling, ‘who reassured me that something is sure to turn up, so I’m going with that idea and maybe also a surprise windfall tax like she suggested.’
David Cameron admitted to being totally outmanoeuvred by Darling’s new approach. ‘There I was, pulling an angry face, and he goes and makes me look like a complete prick.’