NewsBiscuit

The news before it happens…

Archive for September, 2009

SatNav voice quits in the face of constant verbal abuse

‘Jane’, the well-spoken middle class English voice behind the satellite navigation system of insurance sales rep Darren Moss, has revealed that she has left Moss after constantly being told to ‘fuck off’ for just trying to do her job.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2009
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Tories promise to review controversial ‘League Table’ system for football teams

people just want the best for their season ticket moneyShadow sports minister Hugh Robertson has promised sports fans that the Conservatives, if elected, would review the controversial ‘league table’ system for football teams. The system, introduced by the Blair government in 1997, was meant to offer football fans the chance to objectively compare teams’ performances using numerical criteria. But since its inception the scheme has been mired in controversy, with critics saying it unfairly compares the performance of wealthy teams such as Chelsea with poorer inner city sides such as Manchester City.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2009
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Creationist-friendly version of Darwin film released

Following its failure to secure a US distributor, the producers of new film ‘Creation’ about the life of Charles Darwin have released an alternative ‘Creationists’ Cut’ version deemed more suitable for the American market.

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2009
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Unnamed celebrity accused of doing absolutely nothing

A well known celebrity, who wishes to remain anonymous, has today sensationally claimed that another well known celebrity who (s)he does not wish to name did nothing to him/her 10 years ago and that (s)he does not want to talk about it ever again.

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2009
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Winner of the Orange Fiction Prize ‘is a hermaphrodite’ claim

investigations into masculine prose levels 'ongoing'The literary world is in a state of shock after claims that this year’s winner of the women only Orange Prize for Fiction is a hermaphrodite.
In a controversy echoing the recent row surrounding the gender of South African 800m gold medal winner Caster Semenya, literary pundits are fiercely divided over whether Ethel Murgatroyd, whose novel ‘Hard’ won this year’s prize, is really a woman and should have been disqualified from the competition.

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2009
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